Slytherin Firewhiskey
by yoshi09
Summary: Contains a combo of black and blue humor, but mostly dirty jokes including: insults, racy innuendo, alcohol and mild drug use, and implied slash. Because honestly, I never believed Slytherin 7th years really cared about the rules.


_Slytherin Firewhiskey_ by yoshi09  
Rating: weak R or strong PG-13 for language.  
Warning: Combo of black and blue humor, but mostly just dirty jokes including: insults, racy innuendo, alcohol and mild drug use, implied slash, another night with the 7th years. Because honestly, I never believed Slytherin 7th years really cared about the rules.  
Genre: General, dark humor.  
Pairings: implied Harry/Draco and others.  
Summary: It's the infamous "7th Year Only! Night" in the Slytherin Common rooms. Rumors have been flying around, and the Slytherins finally get a chance to question Draco Malfoy about his discoveries.

A/N: **Do not read this fic if you can't get past the first few lines of dialogue, it doesn't get any cleaner. You have been warned.** I wrote most of this last Sunday morning (Sept. 30, 2007) in bed on some weird writing spurt I got. I made up one of the alcoholic beverages. Also, Montague doesn't have a first name so I'm giving him one, and because I'm determined to believe that there's not just ten 7th year Slytherins, I used some canon characters from the Slytherin house whom J.K. Rowling was rather vague about saying what year they were in. This story is not DH compliant.

Disclaimer: _Fortunately _for them, I do not own Draco Malfoy or any of his Slythies- although I'm sure if I did, we'd have a lot of fun together. They are under the protection of the illustrious J.K. Rowling who brought them to our world.

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_Slytherin Firewhiskey_ by yoshi09

"Well, ever since you went all 'fairy' on us," finished Blaise Zabini, nonchalantly. It was 7th Year Only night in the dungeons- a tradition that had been in the Slytherin Common Rooms for as long as anyone could remember. It wasn't a party, just that the Common Room was off limits to the underclassmen, and gave the 7th years the opportunity to catch up with each other on the last Saturday of every month. Stories were good- and many a Hogsmeade trip was skipped to be next to the infamous green fireplace. But other than that, it was just another night with the boys- and girls.

Pansy Parkinson poured Blaise and herself another round of firewhiskey- ah, and alcohol was present at these meetings along with other once legal substances- "Is that why you broke up with Granger?" Pansy asked, leaving the 'I always knew she was terrible in bed,' unsaid. It had taken Draco Malfoy nearly half a semester while he went out with Hermione Granger to engrave it into his housemates' minds that the "mudblood who groveled at Draco's feet" actually had a name and was therefore to be called by it. Getting them to call her "Hermione" was a long shot though, and only Draco's best friend, Blaise, actually befriended her well enough to refer to her by first name basis. The blood animosity was still there in all the Slytherins, but Draco convinced them and himself that there are always exceptions to the norm, and Hermione was the only one he and his friends ever met that was an astonishing witch.

Draco sucked in a long draw of his cigarette and blew it out in a long thin stream of lightly fragrant smoke. His lazy drawl followed after,

"Yes. And no," he added when he saw a smirk spread across Pansy's pouty features, "Hermione didn't make me this way, she actually encouraged I pursue it. She supported me 100 percent, and although my coming out wounded her ego, it did nothing to her pride."

"Does she still help you with Transfiguration homework?" asked Vincent Crabbe, hopefully.

"She still tutors you and Gregory in bloody _life_, what do you think?"

This was met by a chortle of laughter all around.

"So, I think the real question everyone's been wanting to ask you, Drakes," said Blaise with a small smile as he paused to sip his firewhiskey, "Is who in our Hogwarts male population, looked sooo fucking _fab_ulous," several 7th years laughed at Blaise's weak joke, Draco included, "that it turned mighty Malfoy to the wonders of pussy-free condemnation and anal-sex?" The 7th years laughed and Gregory Goyle perked up,

"Pussy-free? Merlin, Drakes, how the fuck do you live?"

"Did you _not_ hear Blaise's last remark, you douche bag? Anal sex!" Millicent Bulstrode retorted, sharply.

Draco waited as catcalls were hooted in the quarrelling couple's direction before he started speaking and his fellow Slytherins quieted instantaneously to hear what he had to say,

"No one, really-"

"Oh, get off."

"No one believes that."

"Arsefucks anonymous!" Someone yelled, and everyone fell back into good-natured laughter.

"You mean _syn_onymous," Blaise said with a smirk, "I'm speculating pussy and arse are similar. Both tight-"

"Better, actually," said Draco through a puff of smoke.

"What, taking it up the arse, or ramming it up the arse?" asked Chauncey Montague snarkily- his build was clearly made to be in the Beater and Keeper positions of quidditch, and his biceps bulging through the oxford shirt as he crossed his arms over his chest from where he sat on the couch was evidence of that.

"I don't know, Montague, how about you drop your pants, turn around, bend over, and let Draco show you?" asked Blaise in irritation.

Guffaws all around, mostly from the males.

"Slytherins, Slytherins…" said Theodore Nott much like how a professor would calm their class. He was a weedy looking boy with a haughty aura about him that screamed he should have been in Ravenclaw, "We're all friends here, let's save the jeering for the other houses-"

"Shut up!"

"Off the soap box, Nott."

Everyone was laughing again.

"So, who?" continued a pretty blonde sitting next to Pansy named Tracey Davis in her equally pretty voice that always commanded everyone's attention.

Draco took another long draw of his cigarette.

"7th years only!" someone yelled.

This was immediately chorused by the rest of the 17-year-olds as they herded, through rowdy words and whistles only, a small group of 6th and 5th years up to their dorms in a terrified rush of bobbing black robes. As soon as the last door shut behind a 5th year, everyone's attention refocused on Draco.

"Well?"

Draco smiled disbelievingly at his friends' interests. When he saw they had no intention of finishing tonight without him revealing a name, he said simply,

"Harry Potter."

There was a second of deliberate pause and then everyone spoke at once. It took Blaise two tries to get his excited housemates to quiet down or else gossip bubbled out by Pansy would commence as she already started prompting the students left and right of her about certain scenarios she claimed to see Potter and Draco in.

"Children! One at a time."

"Harry Potter? Like, as in, _Harry Potter?_" asked Millicent, flabbergasted.

"How many Harry Potters do you know, Bulstrode?" said Blaise with a roll of his eyes before Draco could speak.

"I think it was the shock effect, Zabini. Rhetorical question." Pansy said scathingly.

"Someone's cunt is chapped-"

"Anyway!" yelled Chauncey, trying to quell the argumentative friends by diverting to a new question, "Potter? What's with you and choosing demented Gryffs, Draco? Sure, the goody-good trait is alluring, but you couldn't have chosen someone else? You know, someone attractive like… what's her name, Ginny Weasley."

All the males moaned in appreciation at the name.

"Ginny Weasley is a _girl_." Pansy said with emphasis.

"Who's she?" a brunette called Daphne Greengrass asked.

"The hott redhead who slept with half of Hogwarts," said Blaise, then in Pansy's direction, "Giving Pansy a run for her money. But it's okay, Pans, not everyone can brag about having sex with the whole Ravenclaw house like you can."

"Piss off, Zabini."

"You. Es. Tee!" yelled Tracey.

"What the hell does that mean?" asked Blaise, glad to have a momentary excuse to look away from Pansy.

"U.S.T. Unresolved sexual tension," said Gregory, easily.

The girls look impressed, "How'd you know that, Gregory?" Daphne questioned. Goyle opened his mouth to respond but Blaise beat him,

"Who cares, I don't have sexual tension with Pansy!"

"Now sweetheart, no need to go off denying it," responded Pansy with a smile, knowing it was grating on his nerves. She rolled her eyes up from her lounge horizontally across the small armchair to look at him from his position across from her.

Blaise cleared his throat to mimic a very bad southern drawl, "Yum, I love meself some STD cyst pool."

Pansy glowered.

"Come now, Blaise, no need for low blows. She only slept with four people, that hardly makes her a cyst pool… puddle, maybe."

Everyone laughed.

"Fuck you, Draco," said Pansy jokingly.

"Who'd she sleep with?" asked Chauncey.

"Can we not talk about my sex life like I'm not here?"

"Oh, but Pans Love, it's so fun." Blaise teased.

"All because you lack one."

The common room roared with laughter, as everyone hooted "OOOH" in Blaise and Pansy's direction.

Blaise rolled his eyes and turned to Daphne, "Daph, tell the sex-deprived kitties how good I am in bed."

"Not very," she retorted, cheekily.

The 7th years fell into hysterics again, and this time Vincent gave Blaise a hearty pat on the back in what Blaise felt was pity.

"We're so not fucking tonight," Blaise said sharply to Daphne.

"No loss there," she said through her mirth.

"Come on boys, girls," said Pansy who was still lounging across the armchair similar to how a cat would lie when sunbathing next to a window, "that's enough attention to Blaise to inflate Harry Potter's ego ten-fold." She grinned as her housemates calmed down, and Gregory reached over to pull out a new bottle of Shimmering Dragonspirit imported directly from Italy. He went around and poured about half a cup to each of his housemates as Pansy went on,

"Back to Draco- so Harry Potter is gay?"

The girls giggled.

Draco took a final drag of his cigarette before he tapped it into the ashtray as it gave it final glow. He exhaled a slow hazy breath,

"Or bisexual."

"Is he still with Cho or something?" asked Tracey, her voice a little high with offense as she was close friends with Cho Chang and the idea of Cho not telling her everything dawned on her.

"They broke up in 5th year," said Daphne reassuringly.

"Cho still likes him," Tracey said, "but you think Weasley had sex with Potter?"

"Weasley? Ron Weasley?" inquired Theodore, as Gregory refilled his cup.

"No, Ginny Weasley," Tracey continued, "I mean, think about it, the way she gets all goo-goo eyes on Potter, you'd think he's the most amazing fuck in the world and then he dropped her right before climax," she finished, speculatively.

"If Potter dropped me before I climaxed I'd _Crucio_ his arse." Pansy replied.

"Try _Petrificus Totalus_, and an _Engorgio_ until it hurt," said Daphne.

"You wouldn't!" Pansy squealed, half-giggling.

"Well, with Potter's size you don't need an enlargement charm. Nor does he need a Petrificus Totalus as he's totally willing anyway," said Draco with a smirk.

The other males who had engaged in their own conversation as the girls had deterred their interest with the talks of gossip suddenly turned to Draco,

"How big?" said Blaise.

"Enough to intimidate, not impress," Draco said, and he passed his glass to Pansy to fill it with firewhiskey as he preferred it over Dragonspirit.

"Well, it's not really about the size," Daphne said haughtily, careful not to look at Blaise, "It's more like what he could _do_ with it."

"Touché, Daph," and Draco grinned, "But he's not much of a top. That's me."

"Oooh, Potter's the kinky type?" Pansy said through another fit of giggles, her cheeks a telling sign of maybe having one too many drinks as she passed back Draco's half-filled cup of firewhiskey.

"To the brim, Pans," -Pansy retracted her arm to fill the goblet again- "and yes he's rather kinky. It's cute, really, when he's tied up with an entanglement bind- you know, the one Flitwick taught us in 3rd year- and mewling for you to never stop."

"Have you ever let him top you?" asked Chauncey.

"I don't prefer it, feels like having a broom shoved up you arse over and over and with Potter's size…" he trailed off the end as Chauncey started to look pained, and Draco grinned instead, gratefully accepting the brimmed cup of firewhiskey Pansy gave him.

"Well, if you'd let him do it to you more often," Pansy advised, "maybe you'd get used to it, and begin to enjoy it."

"Listen to the experienced one," said Blaise.

"Sod off, Blaise."

"How ever did you two start fucking each other anyway?" Millicent asked in interest.

"Two words: Snape. Detention."

Everyone gaped in disbelief, "No way."

"Way," Draco said pointedly, "He came onto me first. He was deathly pissed about who knows what and he just wouldn't shut up, and something snapped in him and he snogged the bloody hell out of me. I just went with it."

"What about Professor Snape?" asked Blaise in disbelief.

Suddenly there was a shifting sound of smooth stone sliding against stone and the 7th years were about to yell "7th year only!" again when they saw who it was.

"Well, all right, Braddock, get on with it," said Draco in a dismissive fashion.

Malcolm Braddock, designated 4th year of the night that was supposed to only come into the room for emergencies (i.e. McGonagall coming to visit Snape in his office), looked peaky in color.

"P-Professor Snape is on his way down, he tripped my boundary charm meaning he just passed the entrance hall."

"Merlin's sakes, Braddock, can't you have stalled him? It's barely 1am."

"S-Sorry."

"It's fine Blaise, it's his first time. Head to bed, Braddock," said Pansy curtly to the 14-year-old, and he scampered up to his dorms without further encouragement. "Look, now you scared him like Pritchard last month," she whispered angrily to Blaise.

Blaise rolled his eyes, "Pans, if you're nice to every underclassman you meet in our house, you'll lose the respect the rest of us work so hard to preserve."

The 7th years performed several cleaning spells left and right, Vincent and Gregory repuffed the cushions, and Chauncey and Draco carefully placed the empty bottles of alcohol into a bin for the house elves to pick up later. With a last wave of her wand, Millicent cleared the air of smoke. By the time Professor Snape stepped a foot into the Common Rooms to reprimand the 7th years for having too late a night, the Slytherins were all safely in their dorms all in their respective levels of drunken stupor.

--end--

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A/N - //grins// feel free to leave feedback. constructive criticism is what i like. not sure if i should make this a chaptered fic or not so it's not a cliffhanger at the end. if it was chaptered, it'd basically be kind of the same thing, focusing on a different "7th Year Only" night and possibly on a different character each time. this one of course, was based upon Draco and like all dialogue between close friends- it veered off to other subjects. 

Special thanks to DarkMark forums, because for some reason I wrote it on the idea that I wanted to originally post it there (then realized I didn't meant the guidelines haha).

yoshi09


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